Persiflage

Timing, Excellent

Upon hearing of Ken Lay's death, my immediate, spontaneous reaction was, "Wow.  This aplomb, this administrative wizardry; these are the subtle machinations of evil genius!  Richard Nixon could only dream of carrying off this sort of coup!"

If one reserves one's spot in hell early, is there any chance of an aisle seat?  Business class upgrade?  Extra red-hots?

Public Safety Announcement

Prior to starting your vehicle, please ensure that you, your passengers, and any severed heads you may be transporting are properly secured by the appropriate restraining devices.

In the event of a collision, improper safety belt usage could lead to thorny complications in the form of persons or objects being ejected from the vehicle.  And you cannot even imagine the extent of the paperwork generated by incidents such as these.

Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.

Whomp, There It Is

Jon Stewart, you are my hero.

Fake news: 1.  Rabid conservative ideologues: 0.

Bloodsuckers

So, yesterday was a real letdown, from a news perspective.  I read this headline:

Dracula castle returns to bloodline

on CNN and got all excited, picturing Mr. and Mrs. Dracula swooping back into the old family place, capes and fangs intact.  And, sure, maybe things were a little dusty, and the curtains had gone to hell, and the windows needed a truly epic washing job, but they were home.  Sweet home!  And, at this very moment, maybe Mrs. Dracula was nagging at Mr. Dracula, because he'd spent all day on the phone crowing to Count Chocula about his dope new crib, rather than unpacking the 52 boxes of heirloom impaling rods he'd brought out of long-term storage (for display purposes only!)  But then they tell me that they're giving it back to some New York architect!  And that the real Dracula never even lived there!

I tell you, CNN, this is the last time you set me up just to shoot me down.  It's over between us.  Over!

Shuffle Off To...Albuquerque?

This morning, our great nation is in the throes of shock- shock, I tell you- as we learn that things have not worked out between bug-eyed runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks and her hapless erstwhile fiance.

Because, if you can't trust the woman who skedaddled off to Albuquerque (motto: "We've got two "q"s!") four days prior to your nuptials, preferring to launch a nationally-televised brouhaha involving SWAT teams than come clean to you regarding her cold feet, who CAN you trust?

After hearing this, I'm not sure whether I can believe in love anymore.

Lexicon

Jurispruser (noun): Deadbeat (alleged) friend who calls or emails only when in need of free legal advice.

Counsellwhore (noun): One so desperate for the company or conversation of someone not his law school section-mate or law firm office-mate that he happily encourages the lukewarm advances of the jurispruser.

"Sam* is such a jurispruser.  Every time he calls "just to chat," it seems like he brings up the subject of a recent traffic ticket or insurance issue three or four minutes into the conversation.  Last week, he'd barely said hello before he asked me how best to deal with the neighbor who'd been nipped by his malicious parakeet.  He's a fool if he thinks I'm sufficiently desperate to deal with this nonsense any longer.  I'm no counsellwhore!"

*As far as I know, I have no friends named Sam.  If that is not, in fact the case: Sam, please be angry with me for having neglected to recall your existence rather than for insinuating that you are a neglectful, insidious user.

Pick A Cause, Any Cause

Public opinion, prepared to be swayed!  There was a parade in Ann Arbor yesterday.  They closed down some streets, and people marched around the block, and then after awhile they all came into the bookstore for coffee.  What was the parade's unifying principle?  Its raison d'etre?  Unclear.  Based on the flags, banners, signs, buttons, and miscellaneous paraphernalia sported by participants, some possibilities might be:

1.  Impeach Bush
2.  St. Patrick's Day
3.  Gay Pride
4.  Peace and/or Make Love, Not War and/or Flower Power and/or Withdraw From Iraq
5.  Palestinian Liberation
6.  Re-elect Granholm

I'm sure, this morning, that members of the administration are on the job early, working hard to re-tailor their policies to better satisfy the entirely mainstream Ann Arbor population.  But, the really important thing here is that some people got to dig their Vietnam-era protest gear out of their closets.  And there were drums!  And, apparently, face-painting!  And that is good enough for me.  God, I love this town.

The Book For Less

Retail customers can be sorted into two sharply-defined categories.  The first includes people for whom coupons are a pleasant, useful, additional benefit, and nothing more.  The second consists of people for whom coupons are their raison d'etre.  These are people who print off five copies of the same email coupon and fly into an embolism of rage if the cashier dares suggest that this is impermissible, despite the coupon language clearly stating that it is, "not valid in conjunction with other offers, discounts, or coupons."  These are people who will stage hunger strikes at the cash registers until you agree to accept their coupon for a specially ordered, out-of-print book that has been imported from Chad, despite the blatant disclaimer that such books are immune to the powers of the coupon.  They will argue, with the tenacity of F. Lee Bailey, that they should be allowed to apply seven different coupons to the same book ( which is usually already on sale) such that they could purchase a hardback bestseller for less than a cup of coffee.  They will launch all-out assaults on the scale of the firebombing of Dresden in their efforts to urge employees to accept coupons which expired during the Reagan administration.  These are the whackjobs of the Coupon Corps.

Recently, a realization dawned on me: I bet George W. Bush is a card-carrying member of the Coupon Corps.  Couldn't you see that guy turning into a Tasmanian-devil-like spiral of rage over the possibility of a paltry discount?  At the grocery store, for example:

"I got me some coupons for Meijer.  Now, I know this here be Kroger.  But that's beside the point!  I took myself over to the Kroger, because I had it on research and intelligence- good, solid research and intelligence, from good, solid men- that they had pretzels!  These here pretzels, for which I have myself a coupon!  But after I cleared the place out with my Secret Service detail and tore that there grocery store to shreds and durn near incited a civil war among its employees, I found out that they don't have no pretzels!  And there was some pasty, pansy-ass liberal of a grocery store manager tellin' me that the fine print said that his grocery store had never had none of those there pretzels!  And I told him, I told him I'm a man, a TEXAS man, and real Texas men don't go readin' no fine print!  Now, listen here.  I realize that this here don't be precisely the right grocery store.  And I'm aware that these here coupons aren't what you might call "valid" until next week.  And that this brand of pretzels I have in my hand ain't included in the offer.  But those are just details!  Details that do not obscuritify the fact that my fundamental intelligence was correct!  They said there were pretzels, and dagnammit, here are pretzels!  Wont'cha give me 57 cents off?"

Easy On The Ol' Trigger Finger, Chief

Have you heard about the Vice-President's weekend exploits?  I can't help but want to memorialize these events by setting them to verse.  Perhaps something to the tune of "Froggy Went A-Courtin'"

Cheney went a-huntin' and he did shoot,
Cheney went a huntin' and he did shoot,
Cheney went a-huntin' and he did shoot,
A billionaire attorney in a million dollar suit.

He had to know he made a great big boner,
He had to know he made a great big boner,
He had to know he made a great big boner,
'Cause he went and gunned down his very own donor.

Even though he didn't have no bad intent,
Even though he didn't have no bad intent,
Even though he didn't have no bad intent,
He'll prob'ly be in big, big trouble with the President.

News You Can Use

Is it just a slow news day, or did Us Weekly successfully execute a hostile takeover of the mainstream media when no one was watching?   When I opened up NewsGator this morning, I was notified of nine new CNN headlines.  These included: a story about a resuscitated chicken, a tidbit about Britney Spears, an update on the love life of Ralph Fiennes, and a blurb about a hockey gambling ring.

Did we, I don't know, solve all the problems pertaining to murder, rioting, terrorism, illness, and poverty overnight?