The inimitable Manolo, he has requested that we, his loyal readers, offer our predictions for the world of fashion in 2006. Ever vigilant, Persiflage has risen to the challenge::
>>Women will continue to wear Juicy velour sweatpants as daywear. Nothing in God's great creation is so certain to bestow upon the wearer a more-than-generous VPL (Visible Panty Line, for the uninitiated.) And sweatpants and thongs are so fundamentally incompatible that they may replace the concept of "oil and water." Also? Pantyline or no? Just. Plain. Ugly.
>>Even as the fashion world realizes that it has pushed a cruel joke too far, women will continue to wear jeans with such drastic low rises that their zippers, incapable of actual sliding, are purely decorative. This look carries the virulent capacity to cause a woman of average stature to bear an uncanny resemblance to the Pillsbury Doughboy. Perhaps next year, some enterprising designer will introduce the matching hat. Women wearing these pants deserve to be poked in their exposed bellies, with no recourse under sexual harassment statutes.
>>Women will continue to wear hideous UGG boots, many in mawkish shades. Unless your name is Mariah, pink suede is not for you. If your name is Mariah, you're getting away with this only because we have so many larger issues to address.
>>Women will continue to wear the aforementioned pants tucked in to the aforementioned UGG boots, a trend which is universally unflattering to the extent that it would make Nicole Richie appear a tad hippy.
>>Women will embrace with open arms the newly perpetrated and freakishly bizarre trend of wearing skirts over jeans. If any human frailties are capable of causing the Earth to break free of its orbit and careen headlong into the sun, this should do it.
From a purely sociological perspective, I'm interested in tracing this back to its onset. Is it rooted in simple indecision? On some morning, somewhere in America (I'm betting on California), did a woman emerge from her shower racked with such inner turmoil regarding whether to don her Citizens or her new Ella Moss skirt that she threw them both on, one after another? Should we start hosting decisionmaking seminars for young women in Starbucks? Allowing them to gradually work their way up the menu from tall coffees with room for cream to venti extra-shot soy lattes with a squirt of sugar-free hazelnut flavoring? Is there a crucial hosiery shortage out there? Should we recommend government intervention? Is this a surfeit of modesty somehow traceable to the movement for abstinence-only education? These questions must be answered!
>>At some point, inevitably, a woman sporting Juicy sweatpants tucked into UGG boots with a skirt on top will cross my path. I will suffer a moment of sublime cognitive dissonance and drag her outside for summary execution. Generally, I believe that Violence Is Not the Solution. But, ladies, if you're going to keep shooting yourselves in the foot, don't blame me if I nudge the process along by shooting you in the head.
I saw a woman at the laundromat wearing velour sweatpants under a knee-length denim skirt. No UGGs, but she did have all her hair pulled into a massive side-ponytail wrapped with a scrunchie. It was so awful, I was sorry I didn't have a camera.
Posted by: JaneC | January 06, 2006 at 06:53 PM
Since it's not on the list, does this mean that gaucho shorts are going away?!
Please?
Posted by: aldahlia | January 07, 2006 at 07:07 PM
That is the most delightful dfashion news I've seen in ages! :-D
Posted by: Pearl | January 07, 2006 at 10:03 PM
You are my new best friend. That was hilarious.
Posted by: Courtney | January 08, 2006 at 09:26 AM
does wearing a skirt bathing suit
over velour sweatpants with uggs qualify me for a shot in the head?
down here in florida its cold in
the morning, hot in the afternoon, and cool again at sundown, it is the most comfortable ensemble i own!!
Posted by: jean | February 02, 2006 at 06:49 PM